RESPECT. TRUST. HONESTY.
These are the qualities I have learned that matters most from the past and current relationships I’ve been in.
I am no relationship expert but just going to share what I learned so far.
I am actually far from the best person to give advice on relationships.
I’ve been divorced after 15 years of trying, many flings and short term relationships and still working on my current relationship.
One thing I can easily point out is how to ruin your relationship and I will be talking about it here.
One good advice I can tell you is to CHOOSE who you INVEST your TIME with.
I shall explain more about it below.
• • •
Relationships is like an Investment.
The more you put in it, the more you get out of it.
This will be the key theme to this article and I hope you will understand soon enough.
With all the relationships I had, the key point that made it NOT work is what you put in it.
What you do together is very important but you will NEVER be together all the time.
What you do when you are NOT together matters too!
What you do in your time away from your significant other can affect both of you in one way or another.
• • •
Communication is the key to a good relationship.
I have said this many times recently as I gained new perspectives in many things.
The great way to ruin a relationship is to actually NOT communicate with your loved one.
The WORST thing you can do is to COMMUNICATE and INVEST your TIME with someone else!
There are many ways you can do this when you are NOT with your significant other.
You can do this via Texts, Messaging Services, Phone/Video Calls or other Social Media Apps.
Sometimes we get distracted and CONNECT with someone else that is not our significant other.
This can be a “Friend” or whoever.
YOU somehow spend more time texting, messaging, chatting, calling or whatever with this other person more than your significant other.
What YOU do NOT realize is that YOU are now INVESTING your TIME with this person.
YOU are getting to KNOW and UNDERSTAND this person more.
What’s wrong with that?
Nothing, IF it’s a genuine “FRIENDSHIP”.
Nothing, IF your relationship is STABLE.
The issue that can occur here is that now the TIME you could have used to UNDERSTAND and get to KNOW your significant other is being used on someone else.
You are now INVESTING more on someone else.
This can be specially dangerous when you and your significant other are losing CONNECTION or having ISSUES.
Instead of INVESTING your TIME and ENERGY in IMPROVING your relationship. You are using that TIME and ENERGY on someone else.
I have known others that constantly spend the majority of their time CONNECTING with their “Friend” more than their significant other.
They somehow feel a better CONNECTION with their “Friend” due to some DISCONNECT they have with their partner.
They would get excited over how they COMMUNICATE with each other.
Talking about EVERYTHING with them.
They think about their “Friend” all the time.
In TIME, it feels their “Friend” KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS them more than their partner.
Another example with someone I know:
They have said they don’t like to talk on the phone or text much.
Their partner would send texts or messages that would be ignored often by them.
Their partner would have to initiate most phone calls with them.
Not a good communicator but they somehow managed to be together.
Somehow, they managed to get connected with an old “Friend”.
They started contacting each other.
They would text or message each other and even call each other.
They are now doing things they said they have a hard time or not like doing with their significant other.
(The complete opposite of what they are able to do with their significant other.)
They would start building a CONNECTION with their “Friend” as they INVEST more time communicating with each other.
Meanwhile, their significant other, is still struggling to CONNECT with them.
This is causing a rift in their relationship.
Both examples are people INVESTING their TIME and EMOTIONS with someone else.
They both do not feel they are CHEATING with their significant other because no sexual activity has been involved.
They both somehow feel more COMFORTABLE and CONNECTED with their new “Friend”.
Instead of getting to know and understand their partners better, they instead INVEST more TIME and ENERGY with their “Friend “.
What they don’t realize is that this is a form of EMOTIONAL CHEATING.
A relationship is supposed to be getting to know and understand your partner.
When issues arise, distractions like this can happen because someone’s needs doesn’t seem to be met.
Instead of INVESTING your time to UNDERSTAND and KNOW your partner and their needs and wants.
YOU are instead INVESTING that on someone else.
That is a sure way to tear apart a relationship.
Doing any of the above can be hurtful and harmful for everyone involved.
If you are NOT happy with your relationship.
It is best to be HONEST with yourself and your partner.
Communicate with your partner about your wants and needs.
Learn to understand and know each other.
INVEST some TIME with each other.
Show your LOVE and APPRECIATION for each other.
Seek professional help.
I am a proponent for Mental Health Care and believe EVERYONE can benefit from seeing a Therapist.
• • •
Flirting or Inappropriate Behaviors:
If you flirt with other people around your significant other and they don’t like it but allows you to do it, they don’t have any SELF-RESPECT.
It’s as simple as that!
Some relationships are fine with themselves or their partners flirting with others, that is not what we are going to discuss here.
I myself have flirted many times with others while I was in a relationship.
I’ve done it in front of my past relationships and when they are not around.
In hindsight, I now realize I did this because I didn’t fully RESPECT my partner at the time.
I liked the INAPPROPRIATE attention other people was still giving me.
They made me feel good somehow.
Now I know that all this is DISRESPECTFUL not only to my partner but to myself!
RESPECT here is the key point.
IF you RESPECT your partner.
You won’t do ANYTHING to DISRESPECT them!
NOT only when they are in front of you but SPECIALLY when they are not around.
If YOU know YOU or OTHERS shouldn’t be doing something in FRONT of them.
What makes it right to do away from them?
You need to set and enforce proper BOUNDARIES and let people around you know that these INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS will not be tolerated.
I have been in situations in the past at work when I would flirt with a coworker.
We would be INAPPROPRIATELY CLOSE to each other many times at work.
BUT when we are anywhere around my current partner, the flirting and the closeness STOPS!
This is just another example of not having any respect for my current partner.
My coworker and I know enough that whatever we do away from my partner is INAPPROPRIATE IF we do it in front of her.
IF we felt what we are doing is not wrong, then why wouldn’t we do the same BEHAVIORS in front of my partner?
Something I refuse to do now.
Another example is with someone I know:
I had a friend that I noticed would be very flirty and get INAPPROPRIATELY CLOSE to others when their partner is not around.
I noticed that they would have “Friends” that flirts back and gets INAPPROPRIATELY CLOSE to them also.
I have told my friend that it seems like he acts like he is not in a relationship.
He tells me that they are all just “Close Friends” and it’s not like that.
I told him that he and his “Close Friends” don’t get this INAPPROPRIATELY CLOSE with him when his partner is not around.
He just brushes it off saying:
“Yeah, I have some FRIENDS that I act DIFFERENTLY and CLOSER with when my partner is not here. And I have FRIENDS that only get this CLOSE when my partner is not here. BUT we are just FRIENDS.”
When other people around you are getting uncomfortable of what is happening, then maybe you are doing something wrong.
This is a more dynamic form of DISRESPECTFUL and INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.
First is that he is showing no RESPECT for his partner with his behavior.
Second is that other people, his “Friends”, senses with his behavior that he doesn’t RESPECT his partner so they don’t show any RESPECT to his partner also.
What he doesn’t understand is that if he RESPECT his partner and showed it.
His “Friends” will be less likely to attempt to show any DISRESPECTFUL and INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS while his significant other is not with him.
He is enabling and encouraging others INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS by NOT setting and enforcing the appropriate BOUNDARIES.
Some people can sense when YOU are NOT fully COMMITTED to your relationship.
When they do, they will test your LOYALTY and SELF-CONTROL and SELF-RESPECT.
They will test the BOUNDARIES, or lack thereof, that YOU have established.
If YOU show signs that YOU don’t RESPECT your partner.
If YOU have NOT established and enforced the proper BOUNDARIES.
Why should they RESPECT you when YOU don’t RESPECT yourself?!?!
Why should they RESPECT your partner when YOU don’t RESPECT your partner??!?!
YOU don’t care so why should they care?
If YOU showed signs that YOU do RESPECT your partner.
If YOU have established and enforced the right BOUNDARIES for people to RESPECT you and your partner.
Most of the time, depending on who YOU surround yourself with, they will also RESPECT your partner and they won’t do anything INAPPROPRIATE when your partner is NOT around YOU.
They may try to test their limit but once YOU enforce and show the proper BOUNDARIES, most people would stop their advances and move on.
This is because YOU have set and enforce the proper BOUNDARIES to NOT enable the DISRESPECTFUL and INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS to continue or start at all.
Of course there are certain people out there that gets a THRILL on getting with someone that is technically in a “RELATIONSHIP”.
We are all like animals.
If you show any signs of WEAKNESS then some PREDATOR will take advantage of that situation.
I know because I have done this many times before in the past.
One of my favorite preys, at one point in my life, are the ones that seems to be in a relationship already but doesn’t set or enforce the proper BOUNDARIES.
It showed me they are NOT really committed to who they are with.
They have no RESPECT for their partner and no SELF-RESPECT for themselves.
So that makes them an easy target to be taken advantage of for my selfish needs at the time.
Yes, this was all bad behavior and I understand that now.
I don’t condone or support any of this behaviors now but I hope to help others learn from my mistakes.
IF you FEEL something is INAPPROPRIATE or WRONG to do in FRONT of your significant other.
It is definitely INAPPROPRIATE or WRONG when you do it BEHIND their back!
Just because they can’t see, hear or know about it doesn’t make it RIGHT!
Show and learn some SELF-CONTROL and SELF-RESPECT.
• • •
What I just tried to show is some behaviors that I felt ruins relationships.
I have done some of them and see others doing them.
I have made many changes within my self because I now want a healthy relationship.
I have tried to help others see the error of their ways.
I also believe in Karma.
RESPECT is very important to me.
I now realize how acting and doing INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS when my significant other is OR is not around is not showing them any RESPECT.
I don’t allow others to do any INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS with me because I RESPECT my partner, specially when they are not around.
When I do notice others testing their limits, I stop them right on the spot!
I set and enforce the proper BOUNDARIES so I don’t enable their INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS that is DISRESPECTFUL towards my partner.
I then COMMUNICATE this with my partner.
I have no SECRETS to hide from my partner. That is how you build TRUST.
Most people actually know I RESPECT my partner so most don’t even bother doing any INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS around me.
They know that I am LOYAL and have SELF-CONTROL and SELF-RESPECT.
I also now know that relationships are an INVESTMENT.
This is why I try to make and find time for my partner.
I find ways to learn, understand and know my partner.
I also show my vulnerabilities to my partner so they can learn, understand and know me.
I COMMUNICATE with my partner about EVERYTHING, even if we don’t agree about the topic.
If you are seriously committed in your relationship then you need to INVEST time with each other.
If you are seriously committed in your relationship then you need to be completely HONEST and COMMUNICATE with each other!
If you are seriously committed in your relationship then you need to show RESPECT for each other!
Doing anything else is just wasting both your times.
Integrity @ MannixCastro.com
Like No One Is Watching @ Psychology Today